So I figured out I would try this out to see if it helps. I am in a desperate place right now. I know what you're thinking but no not like that. Like I love God...I seek Him daily in all that I do. But I don't understand hisplan and purpose. And I know I know "who can understand the mind of God?" but lets be human for one sec.I desire things and I feel as if God is totally ignoring me. I feel his presence when I worship and I have little as Oprah puts it "ahh ha moments" but I don't know what I am to do with this life I am given.

I have become so consumed with ANQ and my church to try to occupy time so I don't become depressed. I tried to fight it but I still hate my ex. Im trying ya'll I am. But forgiving someone ain't easy (hence sometimes I don't understand how God can forgive me so much.) My heart is like shattered. And I just want someone anyone to come and help me and show me how to heal a broken heart. I want to be loved on a human level. And its gets easier day by day. But the chick who took him away is in heaven now while I am still in the same place trying to find all the pieces.

I told my SS (sorority sister) that deep in my heart I'm scared....scared that God will hurt me too. (OK Didn't think I would pull this deep but hey its my therapy)He's a man and every man that has been in my life some how has found a way to break my fragile heart. Yo my heart is in critical condition and we can't stablize. I go to church I hear God's word, I read his word and mediate and I try to minister to myself. But the pain won't subside. I don't understand I begged and pleaded with God not to place another man in my life until he was the one and just big fat did it anyway.

I'm not mad or bitter I think im confused, hurt, and furstrated. Why can't I experience love (human)? I mean what has God got against me? Why give me the desire and not fullfuill it? My pastor said I could question God (not like his authority ....and God I hope thats not what I am doing if so I repent with my whole heart right now!) I mean dude wasn't like Usher or nothing but I loved him. And this is the hardest I have fallen for anyone since freshman year. I don't know.....I just don't like being this way!